Rewriting the Rules for the Modern Asian Woman

Marie Soh & Susan Chen — Rewriting the Rules for the Modern Asian Woman

Asian women are born into expectations long before they ever get to write their own script. Daughter. Wife. Mother. Caregiver. Dutiful. Obedient. Grateful.
But what happens when these inherited roles collide with who a woman actually wants to become?

In this episode of Clean Your Toilet, Marie Soh — mother of three, makeup artist, baker, and former nurse — sits down with Susan Chen to examine the invisible ledger of obligations that Asian women carry.
This conversation isn’t about criticizing tradition. It’s about finally seeing the rules we were handed, and choosing which ones still deserve a place in our lives.

The Ledger of Unspoken Obligations Asian Women Grow Up With

Before a woman chooses her career, partner, or identity, she is often already entangled in scripts written by someone else:

• Be filial.
• Be modest.
• Don’t cause trouble.
• Put others first.
• Sacrifice quietly.

Marie speaks to this with raw honesty — how extended family members judged her choices, how even casual comments reopened wounds, and how long it took for her to recognise that she was allowed to set boundaries.

And that’s the heart of the issue: Asian women are taught to endure, not to express. To give, not to take. To serve, not to shape.

Setting Boundaries Without Breaking Relationships

Marie shares her journey of drawing new lines with her parents and relatives — not out of rebellion, but out of respect for herself.
Boundaries became her way of saying:

“I still love you. But I cannot lose myself just to keep the peace.”

Susan brings her coaching and HR background into the conversation, illuminating how boundaries don’t simply protect us — they transform how we show up:

• in parenting,
• in marriage,
• in workplace negotiations,
• and in our sense of authority.

A boundary isn’t a wall. It’s a guideline for how love, respect, and responsibility can flow more truthfully between people.

When Cultural Scripts Collide With Modern Motherhood

Motherhood in the Asian context is a unique storm.

Marie describes how social media intensifies it: flawless “supermoms” who bake, parent, exercise, and glow effortlessly. But real life?

It's messy, exhausting, and filled with invisible labour — not just physical tasks, but emotional expectations and identity battles that no one sees.

She reminds us: Motherhood is not martyrdom.‍

It's not measured by self-sacrifice, exhaustion, or how seamlessly a woman hides her struggles.

Meanwhile, Susan has been carving out her own space — Pilates classes, saying no more often, and deciding that her worth isn’t defined by how much she does for others.

The message is clear: Asian women don’t need to abandon tradition. They need permission to redefine it.

Rewriting, Not Rejecting: A New Model for Asian Womanhood

What Marie and Susan offer is not a manifesto against culture — it’s a blueprint for evolution.

They explore how to:

• honour parents without surrendering autonomy
• maintain family ties without erasing identity
• embrace tradition without being imprisoned by it
• model strength, not silence, for their children

The courage to rewrite inherited scripts isn’t an act of selfishness.

It’s an act of love — for oneself, and for the next generation who will watch and learn what womanhood can look like.

Key Questions That Emerge

• Does setting boundaries make you selfish, or does it make you human?
• How do Asian women move beyond the myth of the “dutiful daughter” without breaking cultural bonds?
• What happens when the labour of motherhood collides with the labour of identity?

These aren’t theoretical questions.

They shape the daily experience of millions of women across Asia.

Marie’s Message: You Can Love Your Family Without Losing Yourself

Marie’s honesty slices through generational noise:

You can love your parents and still say no. You can honour tradition while redefining your role. You can be a mother without sacrificing your identity.

Rewriting the rules doesn’t mean rejecting family — it means refusing to pass down the same silent suffering.

Watch the full podcast here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlfpxwHUPPA&t=1s

The InnerWork Circle Metaphor

🧼 Self-respect is the clean water.‍

🚽 Outdated obligations are the drain.‍

💩 Guilt, shame, and silence? That’s the clog.

Your role is not to inherit the drain. Your role is to clear it — so future generations can flow freely.

Rewrite. Redefine. Refuse to apologize for taking up space.